I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
