i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
