Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
