yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
