if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
