ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
