Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
