between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
