so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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