I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
