i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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