Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
