im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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