Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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