I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He kissed a someone with a penis
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
