he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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