that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
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