I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
