I hate your face
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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