Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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