In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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