I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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