john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
