she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I want to fling myself into the sun
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
