What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
