If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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