You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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