I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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