He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
