I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
