Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
