Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Drake has all the answers
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
