:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
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