i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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