I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
