Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
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Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
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Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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