We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
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