Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Randomize
