we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
