I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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