Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
