i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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