I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
