I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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