I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
