I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
