went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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