My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
You can't just leave with hair like that
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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