drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
