Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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