I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
