I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
