At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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