the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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