I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like