when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
