I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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