Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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