i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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