we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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