checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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