If i come over, it means nothing
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
