if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
